A child is a relative being, what I mean by this, the harder you try, the less you accomplish. If its dirty its fun, if its embarrassing, guaranteed it will be done!!! Your social life will be discussed at school no matter what.

Here is a basic guideline for all parents.

1. No matter how much bed linen you have, it will never be enough. 
2. Babies always spew on you when you do not have a change of clothing, and some how the spew always seems to smell worse.
3. Inevitably it will always be the disliked work mate or the boss that queries the nice green/yellow splotch sitting somewhere on you work clothing.
4. Babies will always dirty their nappies when you are half way out the door, already late for an appointment, this I can guarantee
5. The more fancy the restaurant, the runnier the nappy (and generally it has leaked out the sides right on to you )
6. Your car will never look or smell the same again, get used to it
7. Smarties and other such sweets are quite edible after 3 weeks in the car chair.
8. The smarter you dress your child (and the more important the occasion), the dirtier they will get
9. If there is a TV program you desperately want to watch, your child will demand attention, and if you are lucky enough to see bits and pieces you will ALWAYS miss the important parts, this is a certainty in life - like the sun rising every morning.
10. The muddier the puddle, the more your child will insist on playing in it
11. The harder you shush your little angle the louder they will scream, learn quickly to just give in. Accept they are smarter then you at an early stage, it will make "training" mommy easier!
12. The more tired you are, the more active and alert your child is
13. If you have lost something, there are only a few places to look. These are, in your child's nappy, ear, nose or mouth. Alternatively look in the toilet bowl, you will  be surprised what you can find in there
14. Car trips - now this is one I could write a whole book on. They have several purposes, none of which is to get you to your location. Mainly they are for crying, temper tantrums, nappy changes or puking. Have you ever noticed that as soon as you are 200m from your house, your baby needs a clean nappy
15. Barney is your child's hero, not you, not dad, not anyone else - BARNEY RULZ (ok I must be honest here, Barney is my hero to at this point, as it gives me 10 minutes peace and quiet)
16. If you have a son - HE WILL WEE ON YOU. There is no skipping this rule what so ever
17. Food tends to smear better on light carpets
18. Unliked tastes and textures will be spat on the floor, at home, at friends houses, at shops and at restaurants. Embarrassment is not an option, it is a fact of motherhood, get use to it.
19. The busier the shop, the bigger the tantrum  (or the smellier the nappy)
20. The more teeth - the harder they bite - This is a scientific fact
21. The messier the food, the more your toddler will be determined to feed himself and share it with the dog, the chair, the walls and various body parts.
22. Your toddler will insist on going to the loo with you no matter what the occasion. He will also insist on flushing the loo countless times no matter what stage of "business" you have reached.
23. After the countless flushings he will insist on unrolling the toilet paper to a comfortable distance where you cannot reach him, and break it into little itsy bits pieces.
24. Cars. blocks crayons, books do fit into the Video Machine Slot - somehow they always go in perfectly, but I never seem to be able to get the out again
25. A toddler gives the meaning of "Sleeping in the wet spot" a whole new meaning
26. You will always run out of batteries.
27. Runny noses can be considered as part of the meal and will land up in the hair, all over the face and hands. Always keep a supply of tissues handy, they should be considered as part of the mother's survival kit.
28. When packing for a holiday remember that babies stuff will take up to two thirds of the car. Food stuff the remaining third, learn to trim your baggage down to a vanity bag. If make up remains essential, learn to live in a thong and bikini top.
29. Your child, though utterly impossible alone at home, will behave like a little darling the moment company arrives. Company, on hearing what a brat you have, will look at you in amazement when faced with this angel. Moral of the story - our children make us out to be liars...
30. Children like to mimic their mothers, even the boys. Try hard never to leave your bra's within hands reach when getting undressed. I have discovered that the "Madonna look" does not suit a 22 month old.
31. Remote controls are not for changing the TV channels, they are for hiding and bashing against the wall. You will have to replace the various remote controls in your home at least once - each.
32. I have discovered that Child rearing books DO NOT WORK and Dr Phil does not know my child! Rely on information and tips from friends and family - then you always have someone to blame if your child is not the perfect angel his or her cousins are.